Water of Words

Losing Sense

2008-06-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

Somewhere embedded in a deeply rooted pain, a torn and desperate heart, fights to keep a sense of sanity alive. Every shade of utter confusion drowns and falls like a waterfall of stabbing pain. Tears overflow, drowning the life within, taking away all that was cherished and sweeping away all the hope that kept it all alive.
I sit and watch the flood of destruction tearing away at every sense of security that ever surrounded me. I felt nothing, all that was left was an empty shell of pain, denying every piece of happiness, and wallowing in an ocean of bitterness.

The Game

2008-06-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

Caught up in your game, feeling that sense of excitement so long lost...I feel the magic of your words, entangling my senses in our few stolen moments. The thrill of the hunt embedding the senses to a peak of utter bliss. The game begins with the hunter dangling the excitement just far enough...making the senses overflow with eager anticipation...impatient with curiousity...

Becoming a stranger to myself...

2008-06-14T07:02:00.000-07:00

This is one of those times when common sense escapes me and I'm torn, like a child feeling lost and all alone. Stumbling around in a familiar environment that offers no sense of security or any sort of comfort.
The haven of security that had once engulfed me like a blanket of love is now a dark abyss of intense discomfort and searing pain. The blessed hope and love of every breath I ever embraced is so far out of grasp, I see the walls within inevitably closing and the shining light moving further away. All I could manage to feel are tears, slowly running down my face and my breaking heart trembling with undying sadness and immense lose. Where did the path that was paved with smiles, laughter, and the "feeling of being home" veer off to?
Home is not where my heart has come to be...I live with a stranger, once so familiar, one who used to know who she was...now a stranger to herself...me...her...us...myself...

2008-06-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

yeah, so I have waged war on my other half, and we have been battling for over a week now. Now if ever you want to define stubborn, look me up. This is the first time he has not thrown in the white flag and it infuriates me! How dare he! ugh! He says that I am spoiled! Spoiled? whatever! Who's fault is it anyways? He spoils me then all of a sudden he decides to punish me by taking that away? So unfair!
If he thinks I am spoiled, oh boy, he has not seen spoiled. I can put rotten in front of that word and live, breath and survive on it.
I know I am being unreasonable, and I chose to be that way for the time being. It is not making life any easier for the both of us and that's okay. I am miserable as I see that he is too. But I am just tired...so damn tired of making it work...
I don't know what else to do but be stubborn and it is killing me...mahnnnn....

hmm.....

2008-06-05T02:04:00.000-07:00

So, here I am again, stumbling all over the net, not sure what site to visit or what I should be doing. I know the most logical thing to do is to sleep. yada yada yada...
............................hmm.............

Favorite Spot

2008-06-04T03:50:00.000-07:00

This picture is very special to me, it is a picture of my most favorite fishing spot back home, Angaur, Palau. I would sit for hours on the rocks with my fishing line and watch the tide slowly come and go. It is the most relaxing thing in the world for me to do and actually catch fish too!
As of now, I am in the US and I miss fishing in the ocean! I fish in the lakes and that cannot even come close to fishing back home. UGH! The fish have this muddy smell to them, the water is no better and relaxing to the sound of nature is not even an option.
I could actually close my eyes right now and hear the waves crashing against the rocks, smell and taste the saltiness of the ocean breeze as it warmly caresses my face, hear the birds singing their high chirped songs behind me in the trees, branches swaying and making eerie squeaking noises as they rub against each other. How I miss that spot so bad....

Computer matrimony?

2008-06-04T03:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been up all night, again...
I don't know, it could be depression or the fact that I am addicted to the internet. I feel tired but the thought of sleeping is so beyond me right now. My cousin, Bianca and I, are basically popping our eyes and brains running back and forth all over the sites we are members of. Can't belief neither one of us is married to a computer...I was thinking, same sex marriage is out in the open, I wonder how people feel about marrying your computer? yes, yes, I have not slept, and I am bored out of my mind...
wonder what Bianca is up to? I think I'll go look for her...She might be having some fun and I am here bored and about to jump the gun with my computer...oh, boi....

Falling Apart

2008-05-31T07:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, my whole world would feel like it is slowly falling apart. I sadly sit and watch all its threads unraveling and I would feel like there is nothing I could possibly do. I cannot deny that most times I would feel like giving up and running away. It seems to be the most easiest thing to do and yet the most painful choice to make.
Life was never meant to be easy nor were the choices we were to make. But everything worth living for or worth celebrating takes more than just smile to achieve. So, I cry and moan for all that its worth and I take all the bad, accept the heartaches and move on.
No matter, every now and then I find myself lingering in the same depressing abyss and I go through the same motions all over again. Whenever I find myself there, I would wonder to myself,"when will I ever learn?". The wonders of life and its uncertainty...

Beyond the Hurt

2008-05-31T05:48:00.000-07:00

Once I tried to tell you,
You heard but did not listen,
In many ways I tried to,
But words run out with each reason.
I found solace in silence,
Strength from within,
Sanity from losing sense,
And dreams to keep believing.
All the times you failed me,
I vowed never to be blind,
I saw beyond what I could see,
I kept it all in mind.
I have grown to understand,
We cope in our own way,
It's how I come to mend,
And forgive day by day.

I Miss You

2008-05-31T04:24:00.000-07:00

When I close my eyes at night,
Images of you invade my sight,
Promises once held so true,
A love only we ever knew.

Take my love and all my heart,
Take good care and never part,
From where we both stand,
Between now and the end.

In my heart is where you are,
Safe, sound and never far,
I'll love you till my last breath,
Then, now, forever and in dead.

A time for us...

2008-05-31T04:19:00.000-07:00

Time is all I have left of you,
of memories I once held so true,
Nothing is left for me to do,
But hold fast to what we both knew.

I remember your gentle embrace,
your hand held against my face,
your many loving words and ways,
I will cherish them for all my days.

Goodbye is not meant for you and me,
It is just a journey that has to be,
A different path for us both to see,
Till the day we are both set free

Uncertainty

2008-05-31T04:00:00.000-07:00

Wondering through a misted path of uncertainty with fear of what lies beyond, she stops to glance towards the past. Familiarity is a safe haven not fit for adventurers. Uncertainty is a path for those willing to gamble on the rise and fall. What path best serves the will to be and the never ending search to be beyond just being?

Me vs Maturity

2008-05-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

Once a certain situation has been done and over with, I find myself questioning and rethinking how I should have handled it. There would be certain things that I had wished I had said or done differently. I would beat myself up emotionally for not having done it the way I should have. I know it sounds anal, but it is how it always end up. I would analyze my actions and question myself why I had not done so. The answer is always, "because I would rather not overstep any boundary and make things look as bad or sound just as worse". There is always the saying, "think before you speak" and "if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all". I don't think it makes me passive because I am far from being that. I actually think I am too aggressive at times. Not overly aggressive, but aggressive enough to relay my point across. I also believe that time has made me more cautious and more aware of getting the point across without causing too much havoc. I don't know, I just find that I am not as I used to be when I was much younger. I have more restrain and I am more constructive in handling situations. It still bothers me at times because I tend to omit certain things just to be "more mature"...lol...I guess that is all about growing up and adapting to a certain level of maturity that is expected of me. It makes me wish I could be "careless" and "carefree" and have the excuse of being "young and foolish".

Just Words

2008-05-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

So much can be said and in so many ways,
sometimes it does not take a whole lot to say,
a few here and there and it is all that is needed,
but what matters most is where it comes from.
there is a certain place that holds so much,
but only a few would ever know such place,
or even know the feelings behind what is there.
sometimes there are only words to express the feelings,
sometimes there is nothing there to grasp or hold on to,
that is when words are more than just mere words,
they become the key to a treasure within our soul.
treasures of the heart are the rarest of all to find,
and sometimes words are all we have left to treasure,
so look beyond my words and grasp the meaning,
of what "just words" could possibly mean to me.

For Falling in Love with You

2008-05-30T04:37:00.000-07:00

Would you blame me for having fallen in love with you?
You swept me off my feet with an understanding of what I wanted to hear and how I wanted you to be. You kept me within the corners of what my heart desired. A place I would chose to linger within if only I could, forever. My heart hungered for every moment with you and the pleasure of just being there.
Do you still blame me for having fallen in love with you?

From Both Sides

2008-05-30T03:06:00.000-07:00

I love this picture!

It reminds me of the times when my life feels like it has been turned upside down and how I try to keep my perspectives in focus.

When the world seems so unfamiliar and things are flying by without so much as a pause, I close my eyes just for a moment. I remind myself that I am only dwelling at the bottom to be able to look at things from a different point of view. Then I see an image of myself above all the chaos looking down with the same secure smile and knowledge that soon I will be there again with a whole bucket of experience to delve in.

Sands of Time

2008-05-30T02:45:00.001-07:00

There are times when we just need to write things down to better understand what we think. It is like turning on the radio and finding your all time favorite song playing. It just makes things seem so focused. The good thing about it is it makes you think and remember what it is all about.

Writing is not just a form of escaping into myself, it is my way of putting the pieces of a scattered puzzle together to see the whole picture. Sometimes the puzzle would be missing some pieces, but looking at it would give me the clues as to what, where, when and why.

Things may not all fit perfectly at times, but knowing there is a picture and a reason behind ever grain of word makes it easier to complete the picture behind all the letters.